Shannon and I were going to go to the cinema tonight. Here’s what is on: Beerfest | CRANK | LITTLE MAN | PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2 | Pulse | Right At Your Door | Talladega Nights | THE SENTINEL | THE WICKER MAN | YOU ME AND DUPREE. I hadn’t really heard of any of these movies. I quit following what was coming out when I moved back to the UK from the US, partially because of the delay in release dates here.
So i read a couple of the summaries of these movies. The first, Beerfest:
‘American brothers Todd and Jan Woodhouse travel to Germany to scatter their grandfather’s ashes. Once there however, they stumble across ‘Beerfest’; the ultimate challenge in beer drinking. Their German cousins are less than impressed at their arrival and attempt to throw them out of the tournament. The brothers have other ideas however, and return with a group of drinkers to take part in the event.’
The second, Pulse:
‘A computer hacker receives a strange and mysterious message from his computer, leading to a group of students having to fight for their lives as the alien signal slowly begins to tap into their email and mobile systems, with the intent of killing them. Unable to escape from the bug the students have to pull together to rid the world of the evil source of power.’
What utter rubbish. As for the rest.
Crank is about a guy that has to keep his adrenalin levels high or he will die. Little man is about dwarf who pretends to be a baby. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is..well. more Pirates of the Caribbean. Right at Your Door is about the spread of ‘toxic ash’ from a bomb in LA. It’s utter, utter rot. That leaves me with Will Farrell being Will Farrell, Owen Wilson being Owen Wilson and the Sentinel, which may be the only hope but looks like it’s been a disaster with reviewers.
Is it any wonder that ticket sales keep sliding at the cinema? If anyone from the movie industry is out there, I’d like this to be really clear to you: You are losing money not because of the ‘digital revolution’, but because you are releasing utter shite targeted at pre-adolescents. I have a brain. Please help me use it.